Regret

     Do you ever feel like if you would have done something differently that things could have turned out

differently. For the past year I have lived every single day with just a little bit of regret in my life. I am

regretful that I didn't talk to Jason more and that we weren't closer than we were. I am regretful that I told

Gram that I couldn't stay with her while Dale was gone because I was too busy. I regret not going out to my

grandparents more often even though I knew that my grandpa was in poor health. This time of year is so hard

for me and I realized that one needs to cherish everything that one has. There are so many things that I miss

about the loved ones that I have lost in the past year. Jason's humor, Grams endless love, and oddly enough,

Grandpas bitching. I would give anything to hear him bitch at someone and then I walk in the door and he

treats me like his little baby girl. But in the end you shouldn't think about what you should have done, you

need to remember the things that did happen and the memories that you have with the loved ones that you

lost. <3

Missing You

    Jason was a very dear friend of mine. He had his ups and his downs but he always knew how to make everyone laugh. He had a one of a kind personality and a one of a kind love for everyone. I can't even describe to you how I felt about him. I went to school with him since kindergarten and was heartbroken when I found out that he had taken his own life. Some people say that he wasn't sent to heaven because of what he did but if you knew Jason, you knew that he loved God and worshiped him. Yes, it was a sin, but God forgives us for our sins. It is hard to believe that he won't be here for our 10 year reunion or any of his friends weddings. Or any of the other milestones that we will all face as adults. Jason, I want you to know that you are truly a loved person and I don't know of a single soul that will forget that rotten smile of yours. We all miss you bud! I hope you start making some more visits to us because I am really starting to miss you! 

Pete Puppy

    The dog in this photo was my dog Pete. He was the best dog anyone could ask for. He may have been rotten but he was the biggest teddy bear I have ever seen. There are so many memories of him that I can't even list them but my favorite thing about him was that he was a bed hog. I know it's weird that I liked that but he made me feel safe. My bed was up against the wall but there was just enough of a gab that I could fit my body in the gab. Pete would get in bed with me and I would lay in the crack and have my head, one arm, and one leg on the bed. When I was in 6th grade my dad woke me up to tell me that Pete had been hit by a car. At this time he was either 15 or 16 years old and too old to be able to fix any broken bones. I went to school that day but knew in my gut that something wasn't right so I went to the office and told them that I had gotten sick even though I didn't. Mom came to pick me up and I cried the whole way home. Pete had broken his back leg so he couldn't walk and mom had to put a towel under his stomach to help him walk. The whole day, he only wanted to be on MY bed. Finally dad got home from work and they took him to the vet to get things looked at. Pete didn't come back home. I miss Pete so much and ever since him, no pet has slept with me. Pete was so special to me. 

Sent to Heaven

     For he shall give his angels charge over thee to guard you in all your ways.

     Yesterday for the first time since my great grandma was taken from us, I went out and visited her grave. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but I also had Evan with me so I didn't think about it to much. Not very many people know this but whenever I used to get angry I would go out to that cemetary and see Grandpa Joe's grave (Grams first husband) and just talk to him like he was sitting there with me. My grandpa Joe passed in Febuary of 1999 so I was only 7 years old at the time. I guess most people would say that I barely knew him but I feel that I knew a lot about him. We somehow had a special bond and I felt super close to him. He always liked everything burnt, it didn't matter what it was it was always burnt. Therefore the house smelled like burnt food whenever he ate. It really sucks that both of them are gone now. And it is really weird that as I get older, I find myself going to more and more funerals. 

     The picture above is the idea that I have for my next tattoo that I am going to get in honor of gram.  I know some people would say, "Would Gram really want you to get a tattoo?" and quite honestly she didn't have a problem with tattoos.  I would like to say that I am excited for this tattoo but I think that it is going to be really emotional.

     On another sad note, a week from tomorrow it will be a year since Jason has passed. The fair just won't be the same without seeing him there.

Peace Out Girl Scout!!! <3

I'm Flying!

     So the past two weeks I have been flipping out because Evan told me that he was going to be jumping out of a plane. I always used to think that skydiving would be fun but when it comes down to it being the guy you love jumping out of a plane it scares the ever living crap out of you!  So today I received a phone call from Evan saying that he was safely on the ground and I couldn't have been happier.
   
     On a different note. I had a blast last night in Defiance with my brother's girlfriend, Ty. We went bowling and then went to  The Station. We sang our hearts out and I am pretty sure that we drove all the other people there nuts!

   

Here I Am!!

     Well here I am! I got really bored  so I decided to make a blog. So I am going to tell you a little bit about what has gone on in my life in the past year. A year ago from today, I was getting closer to my freshman year of college. I was nervous but ready for a new experience. I started on Sept. 7th and thought that it was going to be a great year. Unfortunately the next day I found out that one of my friends and classmates since kindergarten had taken his own life. I never knew that I would ever have to deal with that kind of pain in my life but I have gotten through it. I figured after that had happened things would get better but once again I was wrong.

     On the night of Oct. 1st I was at the homecoming football game standing with Evan and some friends on the fense by the goal post when I got a phone call from my brother. He had told me that my great grandma had passed. It didn't come as too much of a suprise because she was old and didn't have the best of health. I was of course distraught and we left the game. I stayed at Evans that night and recieved another phone call at about 7:30 a.m. from my mom. What I heard that morning change my life. My cousin Shawn had been arrested the night of my grandmas death because he was suspected of murdering her. I have no doubt in my mind that he did it and nomatter what anybody says, he knew what he was doing. I hate the fact that we are still waiting on his trial and that it will be over a year since he did it that she will finally get some justice. I loved her with all of my heart and at times still blame myself but then I realize that I couldn't have done anything. And even if I was there, things could have been worse. Sometime in October I plan on getting a tattoo in her memory and will upload a picture of it when I get it.  After having 2 funerals in 2 months I thought the bad luck was done. Wrong again.

    It was the morning after Christmas, December 26th, at about 4:30 and I recieved yet another devistating phone call. My grandpa Bob had passed away. This time I was shocked and once again I was at Evan's house. I went and told Evan what happened and then left with my mom to go to my grandma's house. I was wearing footed pajama's (like a little kid) with rubber boots on and as soon as I walked in that door I got a few good laughs out of my mourning family. That whole time we were out there, not a single tear was shed. Only happy memories and looking at old pictures. I had to go back to Evan's for a christmas on his side of the family. As soon as I got to his house I went to his room and just laid with him and cried. I didn't know where all of the tears were coming from but I couldn't bring them to a hault. It is still hard to go out to the house with knowing that he won't be there.

     I also want to remember all of the others that my family and friends have lost in the past year. First is Tanner, Alyssa Moonshowers little sister. Alyssa loved her so much that she would have literally given the world for her. I know you miss her Lyss and she is up there watching over you.
     Secondly there is Jake Logan's mom Heather. Heather lost a battle to breast cancer this year. I didn't personally know Heather and I know that Jake and his mom had their differences but they loved each other and I am so glad that they solved their differences before they had to say goodbye. And I am so glad that Heather got to meet Jakes beautiful little girl Mya.
     Lastly is my mom's biological father, Tony Clous. I only met him maybe twice in my life but from what I know, he was a handful. I wish I could have gotten to know him a little more.

     Now to the happier stuff. I am working at Van Wert Family Physicains and for the most part loving it. Everyone has their stressful days right? I am with the love of my life, Evan Shutt. He is the best friend that I could ever ask for. I have a great family that loves me and would do anything for me and I have the best of friends, especially Meagan Freeman who I miss terribly even though she is only 45 minutes away.
    
     Okay, I am done writing for now! My hands are getting tired.